Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
