i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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