I haven't been this sober since birth.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
