arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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