I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
