She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
