I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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