He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
