I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
