The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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