Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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