My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
