There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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