I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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