I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
