Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
