I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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