How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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