I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
