My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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