Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
