tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
