we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
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Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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