Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
