some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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