he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
