the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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