"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
