do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
