Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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