My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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