Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
