I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize