all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
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How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
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Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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