I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
