You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
