there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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