it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
