I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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