You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
