come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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