I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
