i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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