It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
