It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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