I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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