Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
the liver wants what the liver wants
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
