True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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