I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
