I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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