I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
