Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
