He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
