I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
