Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
