You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
