All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
